You entered my life without any consideration about my plans, my excitement about single life and superficial connections.
You entered with a full yes, full commitment to stay through whatever comes.
Who am I in front of that commitment?
How does it make me feel to be chosen in my entirety?
It makes me drop into a very soft place inside myself… and from there…
I hear parts of me yelling: “SOS, we don’t want to die. Let us live a little longer. Pretty please.”
And then I hear myself say: “Well, you don’t know who you are dealing with, you know I am… I am… I am a real bitch sometimes! And also… I am a really lousy housewife, and I will never cook, and I will challenge you like all the time, and also… also I am not an easy girl to be around. Ask my ex, you know how much he suffered next to me? I will intimidate you, cos that’s what I do. I am also a narcissist. Yes! I can send you a link to a great article about how a narcissist will ruin your life. Just so you know!”
And he says: “I don’t care about all that. I care about you. And I love you”.
He is not buying my crap.
What a smart ass.
And then I go: “But you… who do you think you are to come in like that? Can I trust you? Will you be there when I am not all bright and beautiful? Can you be there when I fall?? Are you sure you want that? Are you freaking sure like rock solid sure? Or are you going to play cool and run as soon as things get real? Are you playing with your new age blissful bullshit concepts or are you ready for some real stuff? Are you going to lie and cheat, you? Tell me now, because if you won’t show up in your maturity, I have no time for that.”
And he says: “I am here”.
I witness myself scanning through my mind, trying to find a reason why I shouldn’t trust in this love. Why I shouldn’t be too happy in it’s sweetness. Why I shouldn’t let myself feel how incredible it is. Why I shouldn’t let myself open to something I want so much.
Why I shouldn’t love.
My mind comes up with a million reasons.
Because my mind knows nothing about love.
Beyond all that… there is silence.
In that silence there is so much joy.
In that silence my heart is singing.
In that silence everything is so simple.
It is only the heart that knows. It is only the heart that is ready to jump.
No need for a safety net.
It is only the heart that loves.
And has always been loving.
And will never stop.
In full trust in the magnificence of this Life.
I love you.