Many of us experienced falling in love with a pop star or someone famous when we were younger. Many are mysteriously drawn to those men or women who are married. Sometimes we fall in love with a person who for some specific reasons is not available to be there for us emotionally, spiritually, sexually or even simply physically.

I think this is so complex and fascinating.

On multiple occasions I have been the one attracted to the unavailable person; I have also been in the position of being the one who was unavailable.
I have many people who write to me and share that they are madly in love with someone who isn’t offering them what they want.

I see at least a few possible scenarios and hence, reasons, for this.

1. Confusion, disconnection from ourselves.

We don’t know ourselves, don’t know what we want. We keep falling for the “wrong people”, who are most likely playing out the role of what a parent did when we were growing up – not being there when we needed them.
It can serve as self-punishment, or it can serve as a therapy. Depends on how we deal with it.
Here our inner child is likely to become “needy” of attention which is usually very repellant to the other person. The more we need and cling the more the object of our attraction distances him/herself. Because this neediness can be extremely invasive. The principle of energetic polarity is at play: the more you push – the more the other withdraws.
In this case the question to ask ourselves is:

“What am I actually attracted to?“

2. This is similar to the first point, just with a slightly different angle.

Another question to ask ourselves if we tend to have crushes on the “wrong” kind of people is: “Where am I not available for myself? Where am I abandoning myself?”
Perhaps, this person showed up to guide us back to ourselves through their unavailability. Perhaps it is an invitation to take care of parts of ourselves that we tend to project on the other.
For example, women may tend to project their inner man on an external man, and desire him to do all the things that she actually should do for herself. In the same manner, men may project their inner feminine on an external woman, wanting her qualities, and neglecting the fact that he

actually has those qualities within.

3. What if unavailable people are not unavailable? What if they are who they are, living their life, focused on their thing?… And what if there is a certain intelligence behind who we choose to be attracted to?

What if the longing for someone who doesn’t show up the way we’d want them to has a deep purpose? Which is not necessarily the “happily ever after” purpose.
I don’t think anyone can ever become an expert on relationships, I doubt there is such thing.
Love is not compatible with models or things we can do, or know. In True Love we can only surrender to the mystery.
I once had a major breakthrough by loving a person who was not available to fully meet me either sexually, or emotionally. Once I had gone through my emotional turmoil, I realised that I didn’t need his availability to love him.
In fact that situation gave me a direct experience of not needing anything from anyone in order to love.
That’s what some people call unconditional love.

*I don’t need anything from anyone in order to love*

4. Beyond all of the above I believe that it is our Soul’s choice to be drawn to unavailable people in certain phases of our lives.

Because what our Soul really wants is to experience the very core of the Wound of the Heart.
That’s the Wound that manifests as not belonging, of being abandoned, of not being accepted or loved. That’s the Wound of being separated from someone or something very important.
At the core of it, it is not about being separated from this “unavailable person”, but from the very Source of Existence.
It is about being separated from the Divine.
We long to experience it, all of it, to experience the incredible thirst, the excruciating pain, the unbearable longing… for the Divine.

Feeling the core of this pain is not about bypassing emotions, quite the opposite in fact.

Each time I have arrived there it’s been through a very painful process of agony. And many hours of tears… but each time I arrived on the other side I have been grateful for my courage to actually sit in the pain.

Because the reward is beyond price.
This Longing is a portal to remembering… that we have never been separated. That this separation is nothing but an illusion created by the mind.

Paradoxically, the more we allow ourselves to feel the pain of the root of all separation, the more whole we become.

 

Photo by Victor Gifoni

 

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