July 7, 2018

I have a confession to make.

I don’t think I can ever stop being a romantic.

I fall in love so hard.
I’ve actually hurt myself because of that. In the past I used to derail completely for a phase, and made some awkward choices. At times I’ve questioned my sanity and my clarity. And it always takes me ages to be neutral again.

Life would be much easier without it, to say the least. I tried strategising. I tried doing various things to change it:
– I went on a #relationshipsfast. Some of you remember that perhaps. Eventually it stopped making any sense, because what else am I doing when I’m even talking with other people if not forming relationships, no matter whether they’re long or short, or sexual or not?
– I was celibate. Up to a point until I was not.
– I took a really close look at the part of me that is driven by seduction. Fell in love with my seductress and negotiated with her that she only comes out when I let her. She laughed but sort of agreed.
– I refused to sleep in the same bed with my lover to stay clear in my inner space. Until I just really wanted to be glued to him as long as I possibly could.
– I tried cutting energetic cords before they were created. And after they were created. And as they were being created. Lol-new-age-bullshit.
– I tried having several relationships at the same time hoping that the intensity would get spread evenly around all these people. That actually made things look easier for a bit. Until the energy naturally made me zoom in with one of them.
– I tried going fully into work. But the nature of my work is such that instead of helping me bypass the situation, it makes me face things that are really uncomfortable. It’s called being a Tantra teacher.

Now, I can say with certainty: when it comes to me and falling in love, no strategy works.

As soon as I allow myself to go on a journey with a person and open my heart to them… a part of me is gone, completely gone into the feeling.

It does take a special person, but how can I not allow it?! I have to make peace with it: there is nothing I can do about it.
In my nature I am total.
I am not designed to offer only a part of me.
There is nothing in me that is willing to hold back feelings.

In every meeting, I want to die to all I’ve known myself to be, I want to disappear, I want to be possessed by the agony of passion rushing through my veins, I want to be transformed and mouldered by the fire of love.

I don’t choose wisely who to fall in love with, I don’t even know if I can choose anything at all here.
I just fall into this love, without a parachute, without a safety net, without a mind.

Sometimes wise friends show up and say: “Hey girl, slow down, will ya? You need to keep yourself safe, ok?” Makes sense, yeah… But where would I be if I only ever did what made sense?! If I try to “make sense” and disconnect from this “inappropriate love” I end up hurting even more.
Then, as I’m falling… at times I hit the ground and smash my head.
And hurt.
And cry. Sometimes I even “die.”

Other times… I discover the most incredible thing:
I discover that the ground is just a product of my imagination.

I discover that the ground does not exist.

I discover that if I just let myself fall, suddenly… I start falling upwards.
Without any idea of who I am and where I am going, I start opening beyond the fear of losing safety, clarity or sanity.

At the bottom of my anguish I find the gateway into the eternal now.

Empty. Spacious. Free… Until it all starts all over again.
Or, perhaps, it never ends. … I must be mad.

And my madness is holy.

Well, I never said it was comfortable.

But I actually can’t imagine any better way to live.


Photo by @katyarada

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