I don’t have a lot of interest in knowing what people out there say about me. I still hear things of course. One thing that keeps coming back is that people make a near equivalence between me and self confidence.
Like, Sofia = self confidence.
It took me a moment to own that.
I grew up feeling that lack of self confidence was the root of all my problems.
I used to compare myself with others all the time. I used to think that I was not intelligent enough
(constantly failing the tests that my highly intelligent father would offer me contributed to that). I used to think that I was not beautiful enough (being surrounded by media ideals of beauty supported that). I always thought that my female friends were much more attractive than me. I felt unlikable. I felt socially awkward. I felt too fat.
So how did I come from that state of mind to the statement that Sofia equals self confidence?
I thought that I needed to do work on self confidence. And some of my first spiritual teachers told me the same thing. Self confidence has to do with inner fire. And there are lots of inner alchemy yogic techniques that work on building inner fire. I did a lot of those.
It did make me feel more secure in myself.
It made me feel more at ease with saying ‘no’ when I meant ‘no’.
It made me sharper and clearer about my direction.
But it didn’t make me feel tremendously confident. I would still compare myself to others, and find them much better.
But something changed everything.
It was not a technique.
It was a discovery of Truth.
What looks like confidence is actually a result of non–identification with the one who can be confident or not confident.
Imagine if you were really limitless. If it was not just a concept like “we are one”, but what if it was your direct experience?
The experience of having no limit.
Who is there to be confident then?
The sky has no limit. Is the sky confident or not?
It just is sky. There are no attributes.
Is the sky happy about being limitless?
Well, not really. It simply is.
Is the sky affected by whether people prefer it during sunset or sunrise?
Not at all. It is just doing its thing.
So to be confident or successful or anything you want, you need to be like the sky.
You need to be free from everything.
I have been sharing a lot of myself publicly. Some people like it a lot. Other people don’t like it. Some people think that my courses fill up in no time because I am good at marketing but it says nothing about my teaching skills. Other people say that I’m the only authentic teacher out there. Some people ask who is she to teach Tantra, she is all about sex? Other people say I am too much into mysticism and spirituality and not very grounded. Some people think I have orgies with people of all genders all the time. Other people think I only have sex with God.
Is any of this true?
No, it won’t.
Is it because I’m very strong, Russian, grew up in harsh conditions of cold weather, yang, with a fiery temperament that I can be so confident?
My sensitivity is something that has overwhelmed me my whole life and that until recently I couldn’t even really show to anyone.
I actually get pretty shy sometimes and find myself contracting.
How do I manage then?
I only manage because I am the sky.
And all I want to show you is that you are the sky too.
That’s the one medicine that kills all problems.
You really are limitless. Boundless. Forever free. Vaster than sky. Do anything you can to discover that.