Guilt is the most problematic part of trauma healing. Deep down there is often found a part of the victim that enjoyed the act of what happened. And it is extremely hard to accept that part.
However that is what promotes healing like nothing else.
Controversial… To say the least.
But here goes a story.
I ended up in a weird situation once in my life (ok many more times than once, but we gotta start somewhere). I was in my early 20s, I was partying in New York. I had a short red dress on and black stockings. On that night I had various degrees of sexual interaction with 5 different men.
I wanted each of those except for the last one, when I thought that I was waking up in the arms of someone but in fact it was a different person, unknown to me prior to that.
Was it a rape? Am I a victim?
I’ve had several responses to that situation:
I didn’t tell anyone for a while. It took a lot of courage and some vodka to tell my best friend, as a matter of fact. She said: “what!? You were raped!?”
I just didn’t want to think about it. Fuck it, whatever.
About 7 years later I broke down. On another New Year’s Eve when this grief mixed in with other things I was grieving. It was during my first visit to Ibiza. I felt the party vibe, the chaos of the party scene, my judgement of it plus the pain of my situation at that time with divorce. I broke down into crisis. For about 15 hours I was in a land of deep grief. My dear companion (now one of my best friends) couldn’t understand what was going on. I was a mess.
That night before leaving the Brooklyn apartment I was in a really slutty mode. I didn’t have a boyfriend for a while and I wanted to have fun. When I saw that tribe of Spanish guys, I knew I could have sex with all of them. That got me excited. I was provocative and seductive. I was teasing the men. They read me well and gave me what I was asking for. I could have kept it on the light side but then I went to the apartment with one of them. Of course, I knew that anything could happen from there on.
I hear a voice in my head: but this is so vulgar. It doesn’t sound like you. Why did you treat your body as an object? Why didn’t you tell them to stop? You are not supposed to feel pleasure when you are treated like a slut.
Well, I am a slut. The slut is an aspect of ourselves that loves pleasure. I’ve always really loved sexual interaction and penetrative sex. And I have no guilt or shame around that.
I am also holy. Even during that night in New York I remained holy.
I love when my heart and my sex are aligned – that’s the only way I make love now. But I needed to experience the other way to discover that type of experience too.
I have parts of me that can do things that are not considerate even towards my preferences.
I have parts of me that speak up and will never compromise my truth.
I have parts of me that have compromised my truth and didn’t speak up to please someone and to cover up my own guilt for having preferences (!)
I have darkness. As much as I have light.
I know how to seduce and how to manipulate.
I haven’t always come from a beautiful place in my life.
The guys were not conscious, they didn’t ask me before entering me. By some mysterious grace those with whom I had sex did use a condom. I wish they’d attend conscious sexuality workshops and learn how to be deeply receptive to others and how to make love all the way to the Divine. Because that’s the best use of our sexuality.
But at that time they had no clue.
I have forgiven myself for the pleasure I felt in a situation that could be classified as disrespectful or even rape. I don’t feel any guilt. I don’t feel like anything was taken from me or done to me, I don’t feel that I’m a victim.
How come, you may wonder, if the situation is clearly showing that you were a victim?
Because I am radical. I am a Leader. I make choices that are in alignment with my highest destiny and that’s the choice I’ve made: to not be a victim. I fully embody this choice and there is no trace of wounding around that in my mind, body, heart and soul.
My inner fire has burnt it all.
And if that question is still bothering you, chances are high that you have disowned some parts of you in your own guilt.
We need to become free from guilt. We need to recognise that all aspects of this human experience are ok. Everything occurs against the background of Awareness. Everything is witnessed. And everything means just things. We don’t need to even divide them into good and bad. Of course on the personal level we all have preferences: we prefer pleasure to pain.
But what if for a moment you could see that you are the Creator of your Life? Would you still choose to hold onto beliefs that are keeping you small or would you choose to move away from that programming?
If you are ready to live Big, start observing things from an eagle’s eye view. On a fundamental level You remain unaffected by anything. Can you find that place?
Once you do – you are free.
And that’s when true life begins.
Photo by @sonjalekovic.art
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