In relationships I have at times been avoidant AF. I would withdraw in the face of discomfort, incapable of communicating.
I have also been anxious AF. I would demand attention and suffer because I’d never get it through my subtle or direct demands.
I also have been in a deeply secure space and that created some profound healing for people who were relating with me.
A few weeks ago, I was having a moment…
of going to hell, basically.
I was burying myself in my own guilt. Looking at how much pain I had created in my relationships while being in my avoidant patterns. Although of course I knew that the pain had been there long before me.
Still, it was a moment of my grand guilt.
Avoidance is nothing but an extremely sensitive person being overwhelmed and not being good at creating boundaries in due time.
It is really just that.
But I like to go all the way,
So I looked at all the symptoms of all the personality disorders…
And guess what.
Yep, I had all the symptoms! Of all the disorders!
I realised I was not only avoidant and anxious, but also borderline, sociopathic, narcissistic, obsessive, compulsive, manic and basically schizophrenic.
I then even figured out why I’ve always felt quite cool around psychotic and schizophrenic people – because I’m just like them!! (Need a sarcastic emoji here).
I told you I went to hell.
I thought I should tell people from the start (men especially) that I’m unsafe to be around, especially for more than 3 hours.
I messaged my friend Georgia and shared about my hellish revelations. Not sure if I told her about the disorders. Maybe I kept it to myself (manic).
The next morning one of the most important people of my entire life told me that being with me and having me stay through all his closings opened his heart like nothing else in his whole life.
Avoidant, shmavoidant, anxious, shmanxious – all these are labels created by narrow-minded people for narrow-minded people. We all have all of those qualities. You can do psychotherapy for five thousand years and you might get clearer around your traumas, but deep down nothing will change.
All personal development stuff is a way of trying to hold onto a sinking ship.
Have you experienced those moments when after years and years of work on something you get triggered by the same bloody old issue?
You know why?
Because you will never be fully mended.
We were not designed to be mended.
We were designed to be fucked by love.
I’ll tell you what heals it all. Even the terminally ill are cured by it.
Love heals it all.
Love ruthlessly heals you from the little identity that you imagined yourself to be.
Love fucks all your shit out of you. Love cuts you open. Love shatters all that you are not.
She fucks out all your protection, all your unworthiness, all your arrogance. Love throws you on your knees. Love lifts you to the heavens. Love makes you dysfunctional and mad.
Even if you don’t let her.
Even if you try to pretend you don’t see her.
Love is nowhere to be found. You are wrapped in love, that’s why you can’t see Her.
And this is not the sweet movie type of love that I’m talking about, I’m not talking romantic or relational love. Love can take all those forms. Or she may not take any form at all.
It’s Boundless Love that I’m talking about.
And one day you will wake up and realise that your whole life is fucked.
And that will be one glorious day.
Photo credit @ulrikereinholdphotography
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