It was not the kind of celibacy when you don’t have sex because there’s no one around to have sex with. It was a choice to be single and to look at myself deeply, consider my sexual pulls and seduction strategies, and observe where and how I was leaking my life force energy.
All that while having many exceptionally sexy, available and attractive people around. (I do have amazing people around me, always, come hang out with me, I’m telling ya!)
I’ve always been exceptionally selective in regards to who I make love with (especially so since I started living consciously), and penetration has always been a big deal to me. But this year I experienced a whole new level of deepening in my experience and understanding around sexuality, precisely due to these 6 celibate months.
Here are my findings. (WARNING: I speak about it with full certainty because it is my direct experience, and that’s the ONLY thing I trust. If your experience is different, that’s fine. But I do encourage you to question your beliefs and see if my findings help you deepen.)
• We get impacted by people we engage with. Especially sexually. Especially through fluid exchange (including kissing, oral sex, sex without condom).
We are also impacted by people’s energy even if we don’t have sex with them, but it happens to a lesser degree. So if your vibration matters to you, be selective regarding people you spend your time with.
If you are impacted by these people it means they are informing your consciousness. So, for example, your decisions and not only your decisions – if you are being informed by someone, they contribute to your decision-making process, because you are carrying a bit of them inside of you.
• I discovered that having multiple people in my energetic field (lovers of my lovers are included in this field by the way) is quite destabilising for my energy. I observed that when I had multiple partners I was shakier in my energy. I observe the same in other people who have multiple connections. Most of the people I know who have several partners feel quite unstable emotionally, as most of their focus is hijacked by their relational dynamics.
• I have dedicated my life in service to love and truth. There is no room for anything that in any way takes me away from this. I have noticed that having an energy in my field that doesn’t 100% align with what I am about is a compromise to my soul’s work.
As result of a lot of deep work on my sexuality, learning to understand the language of my body, and activating my yoni and my womb, I’ve realised that it is incredibly draining to have penetrative sex with people I am not a 100% full yes towards, on all levels: physical, energetic, emotional, mental and spiritual.
“100%! Phew!” You may think it might take a lifetime until you meet someone who aligns 100% with you. To that I must say that as soon as you align with yourself 100%, you will attract exactly that configuration on the outside too. I know this because it happened to me.
Even though intellectually I had known all the things I have mentioned above for many years, I could only realise them at a deep level though directly experiencing them during my phase of celibacy. During that time sometimes I questioned whether I would ever be able to be met on a level where I wanted to be met, or whether I was destined to stay wise and single for the rest of my life.
I did write a list of qualities I was looking for in my partner. Recently I told my man about that list and he asked me to read it to him.
When I finished, he said: “Wow, these are really high standards”.
“Yes. And do you know what is amazing? You meet 100% of those,” – I responded.
NOTE: None of the above should be seen as “rules”. They are not.
I believe that each of us needs to have at least one phase in life of being loose around all of the above, even if the price is becoming impacted and de-stabilised. Collectively we have a tremendous amount of conditioning around sex that we need to be free from. This conditioning creates an immense amount of shame at the most intimate level of our being. As long as you are carrying this
shame you will only experience a limited version of yourself, because nothing blocks us as shame does. Shame often is disguised as judgement of other people’s expression and sexuality, as well as many other things.
But once you are ready for some real depth and wish to prioritise your soul’s work, do have a clear look at what you are directing and expanding your sexual energy towards.
If you develop perception and capacity to listen to yourself you will discover that in order to maintain your integrity and clear connection with yourself you don’t want to mix your energy with a lot of people.
So, to sum up my Celibacy findings: if you choose to have sex with someone, better do it fully, go all the way.
If you are not total in your desire, and are past the phase of “sexploration” – why even bother going there?