People commonly think that sex is all about pleasure, joy, ecstasy and orgasms.
But most of us have experienced sex which was painful, sex during which we experienced burning and aching in the genitals and pelvis. Many people have also experienced sex which provoked tears of sadness and possibly even rage.
Usually physical or emotional discomfort during sex is something that we take as a signal to end the intercourse, or – even worse – something that we silently bear and wait until sex ends.
What if this view could be different?
What if we didn’t even need sex to be pleasurable and instead approached sex like a practice?
Sex can be a practice of allowing.
It does take one very important prerequisite: safety of the container.
Safety provides a space of trust.
If you feel unsafe with your partner you need to figure out what can help you feel safer. Maybe there is a conversation that needs to take place? Sometimes it can be as simple as asking each other simple questions about where you both stand in relation to each other, and receiving answers. Requesting things like more touch, more words of appreciation or quality time together can bring deeper trust.
Once the sense of safety is there, we can practice Allowing during sex.
You won’t move through things by avoiding them. You can only move through things by moving into them and experiencing them fully.
If you feel pain, allow that. Share with your partner what you are experiencing. Be there for your partner, ready to hold space and help them move through things.
If you happen to feel discomfort or pain during sex, don’t end the lovemaking there. See how you can move into it so that it helps you open to that discomfort or pain. You may need phases of moving very slowly or even not moving at all. Ask for what you feel you may need and don’t hesitate to improvise.
You will be surprised to find that when you don’t push away sensations or emotions, they actually tend to dissolve naturally.
A deeply tuned-in lover won’t be focused on getting to a happy end. A deeply tuned-in lover is someone who is ready to go with you to places they have never been to, and hold you through anything along this journey.
Have you ever experienced love like that?
Art by @ellysmallwood