Who do we actually love?
Can we love the human?
Or are we too busy being fascinated by the Soul, the higher Self, the Archetype?
Where is the borderline between dream and reality? Is there a borderline? Do they ever meet? Are they ever separate?
I have a gift for seeing the archetypal version of another person, their higher self. I actually worked a lot on developing it through my tantric practice.
An archetype is not an illusion.
It is actually here, but it sits in the more subtle realms.
In all honesty, at times the archetype actually feels more real to me than the version of themselves a person is “selling” to the world.
It may happen that the archetype NEVER makes it to the embodiment and stays at the level of potential.
But one day, you meet this woman who can see your brightness even when you can’t see it…
A woman who sees your light even on the darkest night of your Soul…
How can you possibly not be attracted to her?
*It gets a lot darker from here on…*
Subconsciously I’ve been running this program: my capacity to see, appreciate and love is going to win the heart of the man I want to be with.
Without any arrogance (maybe just a little bit:), I have to say it has worked really well, most of the time.
Most men that I’ve connected with find being around me incredibly refreshing because it’s quite rare to meet a woman who expresses her love so intensely and doesn’t withhold her appreciation.
What follows, though, is that before he knows it, he has placed me on a pedestal.
Then typically one of the two scenarios follows:
1. He doesn’t believe it, doesn’t feel worthy of being loved like that and lands right back in the middle of his little boy’s fears.
2. If he has dealt with 1, he gets intrigued and eventually starts worshipping me for being so pure and having such lucid clarity. For seeing him so deeply, where he cannot even see himself.
There is a lot of beauty to it. And actually some really profound healing on this level has happened in all my relationships.
What this creates is inevitable distance.
*And here is where it unfolds*
“She is incredible, I want her to keep boosting me with her love.” – Subconscious wish comes online.
In most of my relationships men have placed me in the center of their universe and developed a degree of addiction to me.
You might think that would be satisfying for my ego…
A little bit. For a short time.
But in reality – not at all.
Because at that moment, once I have seemingly got what I wanted, I’ve got his devotion, his adoration….
I start feeling suffocated. I start feeling that I am being offered a responsibility that I cannot handle. I cannot cope with being someone’s Universe. I feel trapped.
In the meantime… the hormonal surge is no longer there, I slow down, ground my seeing and really look at the human in front of me…
Inevitably I become disappointed.
“He cannot meet my seeing. He doesn’t show up to his potential.”
Inevitably there comes a moment when I want to be left alone… And I start withdrawing.
The withdrawal is unbearable for the person who has relied so much on the adoration I had been feeding him.
I have placed the bar so high… most people embody less than 10% of what is possible for us. I have met a few who manage more than 20%, but even that is not enough.
In fact, nothing will ever be enough.
You know why?
Because nothing is enough when you have firmly decided to keep everyone at a distance.
So here is what landed:
*I have been using my capacity to see the brightness and beauty of men to distance myself from them.*
I’ve been falling in love, deeply. But with the Soul, not with the human.
And I think we all do that at times.
We all at times actually neglect the human that’s in front of us and what we actually want for them is to BE the archetype.
That’s a lot of pressure. And quite a demand to show up to. A demand to measure up differently than the way he does now.
An ex-lover of mine once said: “For me you will always remain 23. 23 and demanding”.
All I want is to connect, to melt… And that’s the very thing that I am terrified of.
Of course no-one is ever a victim. Everyone has the free will that can save them from going down the rabbit hole in the first place, from placing anyone on a pedestal, even this woman who day by day starts looking more and more like an angel with a golden aura…
But I know I’ve played a big part of it.
It IS natural for me to see beauty that is beyond what is portrayed. I do have a lot of love in my heart. This love has allowed me live an incredible wild life and hold people’s hearts in deep and fierce softness.
But even something that is so beautiful and pure casts a shadow.
There is a degree of impurity to it.
There is a subtle need, an anxiety, an impatience.
A mistrust in myself…
A fear that I am not enough.
A fear that if I don’t adore and validate him I can’t be lovable.
A fear that he will go.
Here is a third way that a man can respond to this wild loving:
He takes it slow, and doesn’t let his ego fall for it. He waits patiently until I actually start seeing his human self, not only his god-self…
This might feel quite frustrating for me, because I naturally love jumping fast and deep.
However that’s the very reason I am doing the relationships fast.
I am teaching myself to move from a deeper place than fiery excitement.
In the end, I am left with a lot of respect and gratitude.
And even though I will forever remain fiery and wild loving woman, I know that deeper things take time to mature.
Having cracked another potent layer, I am discovering a deeper maturity.
A bigger way to meet.
A bigger way to love.
A bigger way to trust and love myself.
This is when the dream stops being more interesting than reality.
I am peaceful and quiet, I am stroking the wild tiger.
I am learning to be ok with humanness, my own and everyone else’s.
I am learning to ACTUALLY love it.
And I shall succeed.
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