January 10, 2020

You have appeared in my life in so many forms. You’ve taken on so many faces.⠀

Sometimes it feels as if you are hiding from me. I’m looking everywhere for you but I cannot see you.⠀

Other times you reveal yourself by blasting me with light that shines through every one I look at. On those days I am in love with everything. I see everything infused with light. Even my own shadow.⠀

But then… I lose you again. ⠀
Immediately I start looking for you. I feel the longing for you so deep in myself, it’s in my bone marrow, it’s in my blood. Without you I cannot breathe. I feel as if my heart will stop beating if I don’t find you.⠀

So I keep looking. ⠀
Sometimes I feel: “that’s it, it really fucking feels like home.”⠀
And I think I have found you, this time for real.⠀

I feel so lucky, so excited… so I try to hold onto this you. When I get a tinge of doubt, I kick and push – “I got you now, I won’t let you go…”⠀

But then, inevitably, sooner or later, I am compelled to open my hand and let it all go… Then comes a moment of excruciating agony: you have just slipped through my fingers, like water. Yet again. ⠀

I’ve been touched by many forms of you throughout this lifetime. Countless number of beings came to me to remind me for a fleeting second of the magnificence of You.⠀

My beloved… I am imprisoned in this house without walls, I know you are looking at me silently and smiling with compassion. ⠀
How silly is this life. ⠀

Although my looking will likely never cease. ⠀
You are nowhere to be found. ⠀
Because you are all there is.

 

Photo by @deanraphael

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