He walked in and sat next to me. “I am scared,” he said.
“I really want a deep relationship, but I’m so scared.
Once we start going deeper, I pull away and reject the woman, all because I’m so f*cking scared that I will open my heart to her, and then she will leave me.
At the same time, I want it more than anything.
I want to relate, I want depth, I want connection. But I’m terrified of it all at the same time.”
His words hit me to my core.
I knew exactly what he meant.
I was crying. He was crying too.
We all need to feel safe in order to open our hearts.
Safety cannot be underestimated. We all have small or big wounds in our lives which when re-activated make us feel unsafe, and we respond in one of three ways: we fight, we withdraw, or we freeze (and look as if we are cool and non-reactive).
What is a safe space? It is space where you feel accepted as you are. Where your nervous system is relaxed. Where you feel free to feel and open your heart.
First and foremost: we need to feel safe in our own skin. If we don’t, no partner, even the most enlightened one, will ever help us feel that way.
And next… feeling safe to explore his emotions. ▵
Most men didn’t grow up knowing how to feel. “Boys don’t cry.” And in relationships, they usually won’t open their hearts until they can really feel safe with their partner, which may take months or even longer.
So what makes a man feel safe?⠀
♡ When the woman feels her feelings, owns the responsibility for her feelings, and expresses what she feels — she makes it safe for her partner to be with her. ♡
When a man experiences his woman feeling her emotions and being moved by her heart, he receives this as an invitation to also connect with his heart.
He knows that she is not attacking him or making him responsible for how she feels. He knows that she won’t fall apart if he is not there for her. This feels like a relief from pressure that most men feel much of the time. And he feels her heart.
This gives him safety to feel his heart, his emotions and his love for her. ☤
And that’s what she wants.
Send this to a man you care about 🤍
Photo by @libkos
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The Key to the Feminine Mystery
A Practical Guide for Men who Rise