The Sensitive

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Do you know that it’s the most sensitive people that usually appear most cold on the outside? ⠀
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You got it right – I’m talking from experience. ⠀
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As much as I am known to be “passionate”, “wild”, “intense”, “funny”… I’ve also gotten the “mysterious”, “‘cold” and “distant” feedback. ⠀
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I often feel that I have two people living inside of me. It’s easily explained through my astrology and such, but sometimes this human life is… tricky. ⠀
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My mind is strong, clear, fast and smart. I know how to use it well, but when I predominantly function from my mind it doesn’t make me feel fulfilled. And that’s what is responsible for making me feel cold. ⠀
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I have to say that the “cold” has served me greatly, because when I expose what’s under the “cold”… It is so deeply vulnerable. ⠀
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It’s like having no skin. ⠀
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There is no way to function efficiently from this place. Because a word that has a slight tinge of lack of warmth, or even an intense gaze can be equally devastating. ⠀
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I’ve done a lot of work on making myself more “solar”, enhancing yang, my masculine. And I’ve done a great job. But the sensitivity didn’t go away. It just got balanced up by my other part, that is very driven, shiny, extroverted and feels best when I’m leading. ⠀
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I’ve always yearned to be felt and seen on that deep level in my heart. ⠀
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But how can somebody see you if you’re a master at hiding?.. ⠀
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I’ve been searching for escape from this sensitivity my whole life: in alcohol and parties, in my romantic obsessions, in endless travels, in work, even in spiritual practice. ⠀
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True spiritual practice won’t let me hide, though. It breaks me open over and over again, and especially so that each time I think I’ve got things handled. ⠀
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The hiding is real though. It takes me a really long time or significant proof that a person is reliable to expose this sensitivity to them. People who aren’t repelled by my seeming distance and finally get to see the sensitive… seem to be in my life for a lifetime. ⠀
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Sometimes when I put myself into their shoes, I’m amazed at how much acceptance, patience and… incredible, disarming love these people have shown. To that I bow… ⠀
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Why do I need all this proof? ⠀
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I wish I didn’t. And… it’s something I’ve learnt to accept about myself. ⠀
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I’ve learnt that my opening should not be rushed. That when I open very fast out of excitement, it’s not harmonious for me and it is likely to create a big contraction ⠀
afterwards. ⠀
I’ve learnt that the heart needs to be honoured. First of all – by me. I am the one responsible for taking care of my sensitive heart. ⠀
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And it’s a privilege to do that.