Surrendering to the mystery of existence

I once had a really profound experience through being rejected by someone I was really attracted to. I tried everything on him. All my seduction tricks. I tried being very sweet. I tried being very expressive and sexy. I tried cornering him and demanding a date. I was totally chasing the guy. Nothing worked. He was not available. At first I didn’t take his no for an answer. I carried on. Until I realized that I was exhausted. And I let go. I accepted the rejection. I accepted that he didn’t want me. At first it hurt like hell. My personality was in agony. She was crying and yelling: “he doesn’t want who? me??? how is this even possible. I always get what I want! Other people’s No doesn’t exist in my reality!”  The more I was hooking into this pain the more I was suffering. Arrogance switched to unworthiness: “Maybe I am just a piece of shit. I worth nothing. I am useless. I am stupid. I am ashamed. Who did I think I was imagining that someone as amazing as him will want to be with me?…”

All this moved through me in a matter of 2 hours.

Until I found myself in an empty space.
Suddenly, all these voices became silent.
There was just space.

In that space I saw that I was no longer a woman who always got what she wanted.
I saw that I was no longer someone undeserving.
I was no longer someone who needed proof that she was worthy.

There was just me. My tears. My vulnerable heart. My silence. My love.

Infinity.

I am not a woman who always gets what she wants.

I am not someone undeserving.

I am nobody.

I am space.

I am nothing.

I am vastness.

I am sky.

I am free.

Identity, when we really believe in it is suffocating. Even a beautiful identity like someone who always gets what she wants. Or a woman who is desired by everyone. Or a man that is irresistible. None of this will ever make us happy.

To live in freedom means to not get hooked into any labels. To not demand from life to fit into your imaginary picture of reality.

There is such a letting go in that. Such space.

Such freedom.

We know nothing.

We don’t know how life will be.

We don’t know what is coming. Things that you are certain of today may dissolve in one click of your fingers…

So why not give it all space.

Why not surrender to the mystery of existence, moment by moment.

This is the only intelligent way to live.

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Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash