Why Do I Deserve This?

An image keeps popping up in my memory: a beautiful lover with tears in his eyes, screaming in the bathroom of my cheap little hotel room in London: “Oh my God!! Why do I deserve this?!!”

I smiled. So beautiful.

Since then many years have passed, but I would remember that episode so frequently .

And so frequently in my life I think to myself: “Oh my God, why do I deserve this?”

Life has been so kind to me. I receive so much light, I am surrounded with so much beauty. I could never have enough words to express how grateful I am. Even when it seems tough, and I think I am on the verge of a breakdown, I know I am so loved.

My gratitude for being able to feel, to see clearly, to be always in love, to be capable of forgiving myself, to be able to move on through things in life, to be on this pathless path, to meet incredible people, to have the most beautiful friends all over the planet… this gratitude has no end. It’s infinite.

I am always held. I am always loved. How can I ever give back for that? I am so tiny compared to that force that holds me. It holds me relentlessly, it holds me no matter how badly I fuck up. It holds and loves me without asking anything in return… I am too tiny to be able to do anything remotely resembling that love even for a fraction of a second…

All I want in this life is to embody the greatest parts of me. Those that can match that force even if just for a moment. Those from where I can truly give.

From where I can fully be.