Intimate relationships play a central role in the overall human experience. Humans have a general desire to love, be loved and cared for.
Our intimate relationships, either beautiful or sad, will always challenge us, highlighting different aspects of our personalities (quite often those that we’d rather not see), and if we take the challenge it will help us grow tremendously.
And the question is: are you willing to take the challenge, even if at times it seems unbearable, are you willing to take the challenge that will transform you, that will make you grow, that will bring you a little step closer to who you really are?
Most people don’t do it. And this is why there is so much confusion, most people are stuck in an eternal search for something…
The state of search takes us far away from the present moment. Someone who is constantly searching for something does not have time to feel what is really happening now, they are in a state of unease. Constant searching is very much related to doubting.
When you are doubting you are lacking grace.
Instead of experiencing and living from the heart fully what life has given to you, you get stuck in the mind. When you are in your heart there is no place for conviction or uncertainty.
“If you doubt, feel deeper. If you can’t decide, feel deeper. Feel so deep, no thoughts move. Feel so deep, only openness shines. When you offer your life from this place of open depth, you act with absolute certainty, though you still might not have the slightest idea what you
will do next. Without wavering, every action springs from love’s depth. You know nothing but the deep certainty of love, and how it wants to be expressed in this present moment. That is all you can ever know. Life lived spontaneously from your depth of love is a moment-to-moment gift.” ~David Deida
Many people tend to look for happiness outside, hoping that someone can manifest in their life and make them feel complete, happy and fulfilled. And with this approach they make a choice to suffer.
Happiness starts from within. If a person is not happy within themselves, nothing will ever make them happy. It is crucial to understand and feel that “I am enough, I am complete and I am not lacking anything”.
The source of many problems in relationships is the fear of being hurt. From there arises the intention of keeping a certain distance in a relationship, not being willing to let the partner get “too close”, being fearful of getting attached to the partner, “holding the horses” etc. When we are afraid of being hurt we close the access for the spring of life.
And really, what is the worst thing that could happen?
Why can’t you let yourself love someone frantically, unconditionally, wholeheartedly? Which part of you is actually afraid? Is it your heart or your little ego, that chooses to stay narrow and little as long as it provides some kind of feeling of stability? Isn’t the fear of being hurt exactly the same as the fear of life?
It is better to have pain in the heart than nothing. If you let yourself love, at least at the end of your life you will be able to say that you have really lived.
When a problem arises in a relationship, many couples start “playing tennis”: blaming each other instead of looking at the problem itself.
No matter what happens to you, it happens to you.
It is important to become mature enough to understand that we should take responsibility for our life. If something arises it means that there is a certain resonance in us that causes it. If there is a difficulty it means we should face it and work on it instead of trying to make our partners responsible. And it does not mean going to another extreme and start blaming and hating yourself. It means accessing the clarity within and looking at the situation as it is.
Openness is key. If at least one person in the relationship is willing and able to stay open, it means that the relationship has a chance. If there is love in the relationship the chance is even greater. Just one person is enough, because the second one will follow.
The topic of intimate relationships is endless and there is so much more to say.
For now I’d like to conclude with something that I find very beautiful and inspiring. It was written in Hebrew by a woman, this is why she is speaking about a man, but it is certainly valid for both genders.
If you want to change the world Love a man; really love him
Choose the one whose Soul calls to yours clearly, who sees you; who is brave enough to be afraid
Accept his hand and guide him gently to your heart’s blood
Where he can feel your warmth upon him and rest there
And burn his heavy load in your fires
Look into his eyes, look deep within and see what lies dormant or awake or shy or expectant there. Look into his eyes and see there his fathers and grandfathers and all the wars and madness their spirits fought in some distant land, some distant time
Look upon their pains and struggles and torments and guilt; without judgment And let it all go
Feel into his ancestral burden
And know that what he seeks is safe refuge in you. Let him melt in your steady gaze
And know that you need not mirror that rage
Because you have a womb, a sweet, deep gateway to wash and renew old wounds
If you want to change the world Love a man, really love him
Sit before him, in the full majesty of your woman in the breath of your vulnerability
In the play of your child innocence in the depths of your death
Flowering invitation, softly yielding, allowing his power as a man
To step forward towards you…and swim in the
Earth’s womb, in silent knowing, together
And when he retreats…because he will…flees in fear to his cave…
Gather your grandmothers around you…envelop in their wisdoms
Hear their gentle shusshhhed whispers, calm your frightened girl’s heart
Urging you to be still…and wait patiently for his return
Sit and sing by his door, a song of remembrance, that he may be soothed, once more
If you want to change the world, love a man, really love him
Do not coax out his little boy
With guiles and wiles and seduction and trickery
Only to lure him…to a web of destruction
To a place of chaos and hatred
More terrible than any war fought by his brothers
This is not feminine this is revenge
This is the poison of the twisted lines
Of the abuse of the ages, the rape of our world
And this gives no power to woman it reduces her as she cuts off his balls
And it kills us all
And whether his mother held him or could not
Show him the true mother now
Hold him and guide him in your grace and your depth
Smouldering in the center of the Earth’s core
Do not punish him for his wounds that you think don’t meet your needs or criteria. Cry for him sweet rivers
Bleed it all back home
If you want to change the world love a man, really love him
Love him enough to be naked and free
Love him enough to open your body and soul to the cycle of birth and of death And thank him for the opportunity
As you dance together through the raging winds and silent woods
Be brave enough to be fragile and let him drink in the soft, heady petals of your being
Let him know he can hold you stand up and protect you
Fall back into his arms and trust him to catch you
Even if you’ve been dropped a thousand times before
Teach him how to surrender by surrendering yourself
And merge into the sweet nothing, of this world’s heart
If you want to change the world, love a man, really love him
Encourage him, feed him, allow him, hear him, hold him, heal him
And you, in turn, will be nourished and supported and protected
By strong arms and clear thoughts and focused arrows
Because he can, if you let him, be all that you dream”
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Photo by @loveandwater
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