Self-pleasure is actually a form of love making. And it is not the sex you have when you can’t get “real sex.” How you do yourself (or don’t) is a key in understanding your deeper erotic needs and your huge erotic potential.
Knowing yourself is how you help your (current or future) partner get to know you.
Self-pleasure can be genitally focused, full body focused or a movement back and forth between the two. It can involve using breath and movement, intention, even a focus on some outer vision or goal. It can include the finest sex toys. It can even involve self-pleasuring with your partner in the same space. Mmmmm…
If you really stretch yourself and access even deeper vulnerability, you could even self-pleasure in a group or with friends as long as a “container” is created for the experience.
And here are a few steps to the sexiest date with… yourself.
1. Create a context each time you practice.
What would you like to dedicate your practice to? “I welcome all parts of myself,” “My practice is about noticing my sensations, feelings and thoughts, while remaining goalless,” “I invite healing”…
2. Set a timer for an amount of time that is realistic for you.
This may be five minutes. Ideally, your practice might be somewhere between 20 and 45 minutes, but start with five if that’s all you’ve got.
3. Create an environment that supports you in feeling relaxed.
This may be difficult if you have a hard time finding alone time in your home or schedule. Even five minutes in the shower can work. If you have a partner, ideally you could ask your partner for time alone in your bedroom.
4. Commit to practicing over a period of time.
Just like meditation, the benefits are cumulative and have a greater impact the longer you practice. You can start small with three 20-minute practices a week and build your commitment from there.
5. Avoid habits.
Part of what maintains our interest and awareness is variety and paying attention to that variety.
When we form habits, we start to know what to expect, making it easier for us to go on auto-pilot and check out.
Use your breath, sound, touch and movement to bring a new dynamic into your practice.
Sometimes you may be lying down on your back, other times – on your belly, or standing, dancing, witnessing yourself in the mirror… or all of the above. Try breathing fast sometimes; other times – slow and deep. Experiment with sounds: moans, grunts, screams, chants. You may want to try “dirty” talk or showering yourself with compliments.
What I do not recommend is getting pulled into a fantasy or watching porn.
Your self-pleasure can be your juiciest and most powerful form of meditation. Stay present with your body, your sensations and let yourself be guided by a natural current emerging from within – that’s all you need.
If you would like more inspiration and to realise how far this practice can actually take you (and oh it can take you far and deep…), please join my Pleasure as Prayer online course.