Before you came

Before you came
There were moments when I questioned whether the life I had chosen could accept you next to me, I questioned whether there was enough space for you…

I questioned and dismissed everything I’d seen modelled in the world of relationships.
I was calling you in, and then dropped it, because I thought… I was cooler than that.
I didn’t want to do anything to make things happen anymore, I wanted to surrender and to let life do whatever she wanted… and the question of whether she would manifest you or not… I didn’t want to be bothered by that.
I thought of myself as a freak and a doubtful Tantra teacher, incapable of making relationships work.
I thought of myself as someone who could not choose right, who kept imagining things about men and falling in love with their potential.
I used to be the one who’d choose her next man and make him mine even before he’d notice me.
I then became someone who was being chosen and chased and inevitably submitted to the predator: I’d just fall for the warmth and attention.
I then surrendered all of the above, gave away the need to seduce, and to be seduced… It felt really empty without seduction games for a while. Then I arrived at peace, and stayed celibate for many months.
I thought I couldn’t trust my choices, so it was better to let them go completely.
I wondered if I’d already missed my real soulmate.

…My heart ached whenever I got lost in all of this. My heart ached for the times I demanded, for the times I insisted, for the times I let my fear overtake me. I also thought there was no one ready for me. I thought I was too mad. Too demanding. Too sensitive. And too free. I kept moving deeper into the caverns of my soul…

In the depth I found a real longing for a profound meeting.
In that, I discovered that in fact it was me who was not ready for you.

I saw that I was scared to let you in… and have my life turned upside down.
I was scared you would see how messed up I was. I was scared your heart would challenge me and demand a whole new level of maturity. I was scared I would be possessed by love…
I was scared I would force it into something bigger than what it was designed for, between us…

I was scared I would run away once things got challenging… I was scared I’d overwhelm you with my emotions, my sexuality, my love… I was…
And then… You showed up.
Suddenly, everything became silent.
With so much grace, you came in, through all my carefully built layers of protection. You showed up and with such disarming gentleness and clarity you found your space in my existence as well as in my heart.
 
And now… through my sleep I feel you are waking up and this makes my heart swell with joy. You are here. You are next to me.
You pull me close to your warm body, embrace me and kiss me with tenderness. My body opens to your touch and I feel that love is entering my body through your hands, through your belly, through your lips and through your tongue. My eyes are still closed and I am savoring this moment… How I wish it would never end… I can’t resist it: I wrap you with my legs and invite you into me. You come in and your fire enters me.
We’ve merged as one.
“I love you” – you say in a quiet voice.
Something drops inside of me. This moment is profound in its simplicity. My opening is bigger than I. I feel my eyes filling with tears. All of me loves and yearns for all of you…
“I love you”.
If words could ever express.
Yes, it is you. You found me, again.

Photo by @loveandwater