How to become a better lover?

Many people want to become better lovers.

I remember how in my late teens I was googling things like: “how to have orgasms during sex”, and “how to give the best blowjob”. I thought these were the keys to being an amazing lover.

What I came to realise is that the deepest orgasms come when you let go of the need to have an orgasm at all. I even wrote a book about it.

I also realised that being a great lover has nothing to do with knowing any technique.

A great lover is someone who is total in their loving.
It is someone who can approach love making as a meditation, who knows how to be present with themselves and their partner and follow the simple truth of the moment.

A great lover is someone who has done the inner work of releasing their sexual shame.

A great lover is someone who doesn’t try to please or impress.

A great lover is someone who goes into sex with a full yes.

And the biggest secret to being a great lover is actually doing what YOU really love and want to do.

That’s it, that’s the key.
When you do what you really love doing you are going to be amazing at it for sure. There is just no other way.
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When you are doing things aiming to please or satisfy the other person… (even if it feels very noble to you “I am so giving, I put the other first!”)… it may feel nice in the beginning, but inevitably it’s going to leave both partners very frustrated.
Because in truth – you can never fulfil the other person. The best you can do is through being fulfilled yourself invite them into discovering their own pleasure.
This is the real magic that a great lover can offer: through the portal of your own shameless pleasure you are helping your loved one to be free.

Photo by @martine.emdur