I sometimes have to go down to the bottom to rise higher.
These crises are incredibly confusing for people who relate to me, though.
Because even when I manage to insert “it is not about you”, it is still very intense to be in my presence when it happens.
I want to write this for two reasons:
• Possibly some of you will relate and it will help you understand yourself or someone close to you better.
• For all my close people, as a manual of sorts.
I reach a point of accumulation of stuff. Maybe there have been many emotional processes happening at the same time. Maybe I’ve been holding space for some deep stuff for others but didn’t have sufficient support for myself.
If there’s physical pain or sickness my emotional state will be amplified.
I become incredibly emotional. I cry a lot, which is untypical for me. I feel upset, discontent and depressed. I feel that I’m fundamentally fucked up.
You notice a drastic shift in me. I’m not smiling. I seem upset. I may say mean things to you. It is confusing for you and you probably are trying to understand what you did to cause that.
You may also want to remove yourself from my space and say: “that’s her shit, she should deal with it”, but perhaps inside there is confusion and a feeling of being a little overwhelmed.
No matter what’s going on don’t take it personally.
It is ok.
Parts of me are dying but I am not suicidal (I’ve never been).
I have “death days”, but it’s rather a metaphysical death that I’m talking about. I want to shed identity and be liberated as soul, so I can return to my origin and remain firmly established there.
The only thing you can do is be still and know that it will pass. It may seem that I am pushing you away, but it is actually important for me to know that you are somewhere near and can hold me in silence. I will appreciate some words of understanding, for example if you say that you love me, and give voice to what you appreciate about me, if that’s what naturally emerges from you.
If the energy is too dense to be around it is fine to let me be on my own, just check in via message from time to time. Maybe offer to bring some food, because most probably I haven’t been eating.
You can also tell me how my state is affecting you. Depending on how you say it and how deep I’m in my shit by then, your vulnerability may touch me deeply and bring light into the darkness.
It’s important for me to go in, but sometimes I tip over and start indulging, and that’s not healthy. It’s hard to give a specific time frame, how long a crisis should last. Recently I had one of 1 hour. In March I was there for 2 weeks straight. Before I had some that lasted 2 or 3 days.
Some people get really overwhelmed because they don’t recognise me anymore and because it hits their own childhood wounds. Like you may hear me say something and interpret it through the prism of a traumatic experience that happened before.
Some far more rare people are really easy with crises because they have them too or because they are natural or trained therapists. A friend did an amazing job once just by asking me some simple questions: like is it really true? Is it serving you to stay there now?
Your love, care and a space of no judgement will help me move faster and re-emerge more loving than before. But you don’t have to be there for me if you can’t. I will move through it either way. And I will re-emerge even more loving and free.
Photo by Bibbie Friman