The potential of conscious sex is glorious. Conscious sex can be our means to opening to God. Tantric sex can expand us like nothing else.
Yet there is a belief that many people share that good sex equals hard sex, and that a woman needs to be taken really hard so that she gets sexually fulfilled and stops being bitchy and “naggy”.
In fact there is a time for such rawness and pounding as an expression of our primal side, but it is only a little fraction of what is possible in sex. Of how deep we can go in sex.
And oh can we go really deep…
This view is due to three reasons:
For most people it is the only source of sexual education available out there. And porn is focused on producing an intense stimulation of the brain, and therefore a quick release.
- Instinctual desire to procreate.
Nature has an agenda: it wants us to procreate. Life wants more of life. Which is not always our choice.
Naturally the male will want to release the semen (and best if it happens as fast as possible so that more females can be impregnated) and the female will be drawing the semen out of the male (and she has all sorts of tricks for that).
And yet, since ancient times we have known that sex is there not only for us to procreate, but for our pleasure, through which we can grow, tap into truly sacred realms of our being, expand into our eros and turn into a better version of ourselves.
Having been in the tantric and conscious sexuality field for many years I can testify that there are many MANY layers of sexual shame.
And it is a really important energetic block to conquer if we want to live fully.
Shame begins in early childhood. Right when we first get the impression or are directly told that touching our genitals is naughty and bad. Shame makes us disconnect from our lower half very early in life.
On top of that – many, way too many people have experienced a form of sexual abuse, which of course adds up to shame.
It is due to shame that we don’t dare to explore what potential sexuality really has.
In fact, deeper than that, I believe that this shame is actually due to a powerful intuition we all have.
The intuition is whispering: your sexuality is where your power is.
And in fact, this power is intimidating. This power can achieve anything. This power is the power of Life. This power takes us to our edge. This power is incredibly intense.
That’s why it seems safer to cover this power with shame.
Shame makes us disconnect and then in order to feel at least s-o-m-e-t-h-i-n-g we need to fuck real hard.
Where in fact in this hard fucking we feel way WAY WAY less than what we could.
We might get excited by the effect that the hard pounding produces (all the yelling and sweating and short lived pleasure)…
But if only you allow yourself to drop deeper than the idea of what sex should look like,
if only you stop rushing,
if only you dare to open more into ANY sensation that arises… your mind will be blown, time and time again.
Because any sensation is a gateway to immense pleasure.
It takes a lot of re-programming.
It takes dropping expectation.
Are there ways to expand through sex rather than feed the programming?
Instead of going for the grasping type of sex, aimed at producing intense physical sensation, slow it down.
Give it space.
Give your sensation space.
Don’t follow your mind.
Allow feelings to build.
Allow your heart to open into the space that is being cultivated even without you doing anything.
A powerful technique that I love:
Connect your genitals (“plug in”) and stay still. Hold each other, maintain eye contact, and stay still. Feel into your genitals, breathe deeply all the way to the genitals, sex becomes meditation.
Stay very present with sensations in your genitals, let them do their job, trust me: they know what to do.
The main thing to remember: drop all expectations.
Even if the penis becomes soft – it’s totally fine. Stay with what arises.
And get mesmerized.
And also, this stuff is advanced. And so are you.
In my book “Liberation into Orgasm” I go into even more detail about all this.
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Art by @alphachanneling