November 25, 2019

I used to do everything I could to avoid conflict. I valued external harmony so much, so often it would come at expense of my internal harmony and integrity.

It never felt right, I felt tortured on the inside. But I still was doing everything I could to put others first, to not be selfish, to think about what others may need and to remove myself from situations that could have potentially caused discomfort of a challenge to others.

Since childhood we all are taught that when we are nice we get what we want: candies, approval and love…

So we learn the trick. And often override our authentic expression with the desire to be loved. Sometimes we do things not because we want to do them, but because we expect to get love in exchange for doing those things.

For example: you come home with a gorgeous bouquet of flowers for your beloved, thinking that she will be incredibly happy to receive this gift. What actually happens: she hardly notices the flowers, says a quick “thanks” and goes back to doing something else.

You are devastated. You throw those freaking flowers in a dust bin, slam the door and go away.

A bit dramatic, but you get the idea.

You didn’t get the flowers because you wanted to get the flowers for her. You got the flowers because you wanted to get a reaction in exchange for these flowers.

You wanted to be appreciated, to feel loved.

This only means that on some level you still need someone else to make you feel appreciated and loved.

Because you don’t believe in it otherwise.

Your own self esteem is lacking.

So what’s the real value of that “nice” gesture? Nada! Nothing!

Because this “niceness” is fake.

So when you catch yourself entertaining these behaviours – stop. Stop and instead of trying to be nice, become real.

Find out who you are without doing things for others to like you. Once you’re settled in this – welcome to the next step.


I went deep into my own fake “niceness”. I cut all those tendencies at their root. I became (fairly) immune to whether others liked me or not. I prioritised my authenticity above all. ⠀

So… it’s been building gradually, but this year particularly I had more conflict than I can remember. ⠀

I pissed off a lot of people. I got banned from places. I had a bunch of people leave my trainings, most – right on the first day! ⠀

Believe it or not, I’m celebrating all this! ⠀

For the “nice girl” this sounds worse than death. For the real me – it’s a part of the game: some people love me, some people don’t. Some people will get me, some – won’t. None of it is big a deal. ⠀

As a transformational leader, if I’d be getting praise and roses each time I’d spoken it would have meant that I was not doing my job correctly. Part of my job is to challenge the status quo. And most people hate to have their beliefs challenged. Especially those that they lived by their entire lives. ⠀

There’s no other way for me anymore: as soon as I start compromising truth in fear of disappointing others… I get sick, depressed and confused. ⠀

And… ⠀

I also decided to make an effort and become a little more nice. ⠀

I posted in my stories on Monday that I dedicated this week to being nice. But genuinely nice. This nice is about expressing the warmth of my heart without needing anything back. ⠀

I ask myself: “What can I do right now to even in a smallest way contribute to wellbeing of this person that I care about so much?”⠀

So I’ve taken the time to send a few genuine words of appreciation to people who touched my heart, I’ve wished a beautiful day/meal to a few people (and really meant it), I’ve written a post for a friend who has a hard time speaking about his work, I’ve offered compliments to people in the streets and… I’ve also been very kind to myself – not allowing negative self talk, taking time to deeply nourish myself, every day.⠀

❤️ Are you in for the #benicetopeole challenge? ⠀
❤️ What selfless acts of kindness did you do this week? ⠀

IMPORTANT NOTE: This is not about being nice because this gets you love of others. Check in with yourself that you REALLY don’t expect anything in exchange to this act of kindness.

Art by @ehscapist

Liberate yourself

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