When people don’t show up the way you want them to

Is there someone in your life who is not showing up for you in the way you’d like them to? It usually hurts a lot because it feels like that person is behaving in this way because they don’t like you enough. In fact it usually hurts like hell because somewhere deep inside all of us there is a part that feels incredibly unworthy and unlovable.

In fact the pain of feeling unworthy (usually subconsciously) is the root of all pain. So whenever we feel rejected, we have an opportunity to be with that pain and discover something truly magnificent at the bottom of it.

I have written a lot about this subject over the last few years and will post more about it tomorrow. But today I want to offer you a little exercise.

Next time you feel that someone is not available to you in a way that you’d like them to be, think or journal about this: What if the person is behaving in this way not because of how you are, but because of how they are? What if they are not able to show up for you because of their physical and psychological inability? What if this person is carrying a deep trauma that creates a protection mechanism that was vital for them at some point in their life?

Can you accept that it may have nothing to do with you?

And a big one: Can you accept that that’s the way they are and that they may never change?

Can you stop hoping that they will change and… can you stop trying to change them?

Ponder on these questions, and write down your answers.

Understanding this simple truth may lift a huge weight off your shoulders. You are always entitled to choose whether you want that person in your life and how close you want them. Recognising your boundaries is vital and this is why it’s always a part of the first modules of my trainings.

You can also choose something radical: you can choose to surrender to what is. And that’s a whole other universe.