Why relationships don’t flow

I haven’t had many significant intimate relationships with women, and in those that I had I’ve always played the alpha role. I’ve been the more experienced one, and naturally that would put me more into my masculine energy. I would make decisions, offer direction to our meetings and go for what I wanted.

Women loved this. This would offer them a space to do what all women adore most – totally melt into their feminine flow, relax into the trust that all will be taken care of (by me).

These relationships never lasted. Because sooner or later my focus would be taken away by something else. And, to be honest, I would also get a little bored – it was all too predictable. If I initiated it, things would happen, when I didn’t – it would cool off. When the woman tried to initiate things, I would find it cute, but wouldn’t really believe in it. The relationships would just naturally dissolve.

This experience is common for men. Men mostly operate in their masculine energy (of course, not all men). And they can’t be blamed – that’s what we all grew up with: stereotypical gender roles: men as providers / women as those who open and let themselves be led.

What I realised is that in all those relationships with women I never really allowed my heart to be touched.

On the contrary, when I’ve related with men, my heart opened very quickly and men would generally take longer to fall in love and to surrender to that love.

I know MANY women suffer because of that and feel unmet in love.

This happens because the masculine is purpose driven and the feminine is love driven.

But here I am on the other side of this experience. And everything is very clear: of course it takes longer to open the heart when you are busy creating safety and direction!

Ideally we want those two experiences to happen at the same time. When both energies: the feminine and the masculine are in total equilibrium, the flow though the energy channels ida and pingala nadis is totally harmonious, we come to inner union. …And we are not really that driven to even pursue any kind of relating.

This has disadvantages as you may have guessed: we are no longer interested, we don’t feel juiced up.

But it also has major advantages: this state is actually a state of inner peace and ultimately – Oneness with all things (which is coincidentally the goal of all spiritual practice.) From this state you may still engage with other people, but it is not coming from a place of need. You are at peace whether you relate to anyone or not. You live in spontaneity with the present moment.

But when we are not there, what’s the Solution, boss?

Solution is that there is no solution.

All we can do (over and over again) is return to true authenticity.

Then we see that sometimes it is a matter of time: we have to be patient, create safety for BOTH partners’ inner feminine and enough freedom for BOTH partners’ inner masculine. Once that’s in place something relaxes and a big opening takes place.

Other times it is not about patience, it is about being realistic about what the nature of this connection is about, and not dwelling in hope for a more desirable future together. Next: decide whether it works for you exactly as it is now, or not.

Other times we are brought together to do some deep work and help heal patterns and wounds that keep us in the same place for years and years. Usually this is not pretty because all the patterns have to surface, so that they can be seen. And then transformation may occur. Or not.

Other times… it’s just not your person and that’s all.

Other times it is all of the above.

Remember this: there is never a need to force anything.

Like a river, that which is true will always find a way to flow, even through obstacles. And that which is not true will fall away.

Just be honest with yourself.

Deep down you know it all.

Photo by Katarina Baliova