Withdrawal/Neediness – the deadly duo

Some situations seem so complicated, it feels like there is no way out.

Let’s say you are madly in love with someone, but they just don’t respond to you the same way…

Or – you enjoy spending time with a person, but they demand a lot of attention from you, more than is within your capacity.

Both situations are really unpleasant. And usually they simply end like that, without a sense of understanding, without completion. There simply comes a moment when you feel you’re done dealing with it, and pull away, with a sore spot in your heart.

In most of my personal interactions I find myself either withdrawing and needing to protect my space or wanting more of the person than they are able to offer.

[It’s totally different when I’m teaching, though – sometimes I introduce my energy with particular intensity when I feel people’s needy patterns. And I tend to let go of unavailable people very fast – I’m not inclined to cross boundaries that are coming from obvious resistance.
But the workings of that are beyond my intellect.]

In the scenarios of my personal life what is actually happening is a playing out of my childhood stories: over-caring mother who was way too invasive and all I wanted was to be free from her “care” vs. unavailable father, to whom I’ve always wanted to be closer – I was never happier than the times when he would allow me to follow him around the house, like a tail.

Simple psychoanalysis.

So, as one of the main principles of Tantra teaches us: the polarities attract each other. The more you withdraw – the more the person feels like they need your attention.
The more you want someone’s attention – the more they withdraw.

This can be so frustrating!

You can probably identify with either one of those polarities, or both.

Where is the golden middle, though?
Will we keep playing out our childhood wounds or can we find something beyond that?

How can you find that sweet spot of ALONE/TOGETHER?
Where you feel free to be yourself, yet still connected to others.

I find that what it really takes is taking care of your inner child that needs you to parent him/her and being aware of his/her needs.

When I feel invaded I take my inner little girl out of the situation, without delay (this comes across as very unfriendly sometimes, but what to do – I am the one responsible for her needs).
Then she knows that she is always safe and free.

When I feel rejected I hold her, listen to her and take her to places where she can get a lot of physical contact and touch. That’s what makes me feel that I belong.

You will see that once you have taken care of the needs of your inner child, you feel a lot more accepting of others.

Our feelings are never about others, they are always about us.

Once we have moved through them, we can actually see others, see their perspective, accept it and either still choose to engage with them to the degree that they are available, or not.

That’s your Life. Take responsibility and be the queen or king that you are.

Which pattern do you identify with most: (a) feeling like you need to withdraw or (b) needing more than another can offer you?